remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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