I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
