i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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