you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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