Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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