if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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