I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
