i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
