My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
