the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
