The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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