i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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