I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
