i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
