Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
