My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
