dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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