One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
