I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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