Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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