Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
