You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
