I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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