Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
