Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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