you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
