It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
