my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
