I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
