lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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