Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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