I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
