Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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