im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
