Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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