i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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