i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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