Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
