Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
