I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
