I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
