I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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