its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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