Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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