Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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