explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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