I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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