I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
cat food counts as protein by the way
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
