I just threw up on my dentist
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
