you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
