it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
